When you have life viewed through a proper perspective, you'll see that even the bad things that happened in it were meant so you'll become the person you are today. One friend of mine mentioned that he never had regrets, and for me it's sort of not true at all. We all have regrets big and small. Regrets happen because we set expectations that are unmet later on in our life.
How do I see regrets? I see a regret as an opportunity to better myself the next time the same situation happens. Embracing my regrets gives me the understanding that I should have done the opposite of the action I did that resulted for me to have that regretful feeling. Without regretting, I commit the same mistake over and over with no learning or growth.
The picture above was taken a couple of months ago. At that time, I was letting go of a person who have formed strings of memories with me, both good and bad. I have learned something from letting him go. I learned that I still can love fully, and that I can fight for a relationship worth keeping. There are a lot of regrets that came along with this past relationship. I am eager that should chance present the opportunity again for me to love, I vow to be a better version of my self. A better person, a better lover.
To recall fully, I let him go January this year, but he left on December 22, 2011, days before Christmas. I learned that CLOSURE really does mean a lot in a relationship. CLOSURE enables you to understand that something has just ended. It gives you the signal to move forward at a time when all you have is yourself. Moving forward with an empty hand and a broken heart. Closure is the finishing touch of what used to be an empty canvas, now full of memories you have created together. Letting go is an ordeal, but it taught me one thing; when we get into a relationship we have to have the sense of wholeness so that by the time we leave we will never feel half-filled or half empty. When he left, I was counting the days that I will have sleepless nights, rounds of crying and a bout of wrestling with my torn ego. It gave me a rough estimate that it might total to 6 months or even more, just so I can completely heal from the break-up. But time has its ways of letting you move forward. I was actively helping myself in the process, and surprisingly it only took me 4 months to finally move on. I think the pain is still here, only that I got used to it. I started to embrace my solitude, the empty bedside and the mornings where I will have no one but myself.
Moving-on really is a great moment where you can finally listen to yourself. I asked myself questions. What if he will one day beg to return? When he left, he had a lot going on in his mind. Though he has never been fully open to me, I understand that he was in a crossroads of his life. At 29 years old, he has yet to prove a lot, get a stable job and be able to help his family. Then at the back of my mind I wondered if he became unhappy and and felt that he got boxed-in in the last 1.5 years of being with me. I then started to wonder, maybe I was his dead-end.
When I decided to let him go, I would have to contend with not seeing his SMS on my phone. I would have to contend with the fact that I will no longer receive any call from him. I will no longer hear him say I love you, how are you, I miss you, I want to be with you. I am going to be alone moving forward. I was holding the pieces of my heart in the palm of my hand. I was wondering if I can ever mend them back. Or, will I be able to stitch them up with the help of someone.
I never saw dating as an option, what I really wanted was for someone to come and understand me and see me as vulnerable without taking advantage of me. I wanted for friends to come to my rescue. A lot came, some were just there because they never had a choice and some where there because they felt the utmost pity. Nevertheless their concerns held me sane at all times. I shed buckets of tears until the day I got used to the silence of the room once filled with the sound of the laughter we shared. It is deafening, scary, and the sheets felt cold and unfamiliar.
Those were all the feelings I had in the memory of the pain I once carried around. The pain that taught me lessons in life. After 4 months, he has once again made his presence felt, constantly texting me, sending my friends messages of how much he misses me. But, when I asked myself; do I want him back, do I want to be with him again, do I want to live the same story I tried hard to finish? It shocked me that I cant answer back, I love him still and that hasn't change, but I no longer have the same ideology about love and sacrifice, well at least not with him or for him. I can no longer run the same lap with him, I have ended the journey and I have started something anew.
Truly, maturity doesn't come with age, it comes from experience. A love past could be a love that is gone. :)
Here I am again, feeling alone. I want someone, whom I know that he also likes me back. But I don't know what is keeping us in separate ways. I don't know if he really likes me, or maybe not to the extend that he'd see me become part of his world.
It has been a long long time since the last I posted something on this site. A year or so ago. I may never have pictures to show or something to say that makes sense or is even worth reading. I may have stop taking pictures of life, but one thing is still definite, there is still something in life worth writing about.
For starters, life here in Cebu has taken a peculiar turn. One I was not expecting of. Been in a relationship for over a year now. I don't know how to see this particular scene in my life's tapestry. This is an area clouded by a lot of emotions. One I will be describing in my succeeding posts. On another light, my work is great. I just got promoted. I am taking in new responsibilities, seeing my self through challenges and more often triumphant than not.
My relationship is taking the lead in my state of affairs. It dictates which of option I should take. Whether I should climb another level in the corporate ladder, or not, will not be taken in to action if it would mean that by doing so I will be losing much of my time over to stressful decision making moments rather than spending quality time with the object of my affection. When I love, it is really hard to define myself outside of it. I love recklessly, I love with all my heart. The good thing is that I am sharing this same concept with the same person who shows me the same amount of care as that of what I am showing.
It has been a year since I've lost in love. The coming over here in Cebu primarily was governed by thoughts of career improvement. When I came here, what I have in mind was a shot in love ones more. That relationship, prior to the one I have right now, didn't work, there were two many differences. I was asked to move here so we could live together under one roof. But, I've seen too great of a difference between us that to cohabit will definitely bring out the worst of our character. Yes, there was a mismatch, so I shifted my attention from love to really making things work here in Cebu. I think there was an amount of "fixing" that needs to be done in me, a portion of my life dedicated to taking up challenges and furthering my experience, my expertise in the corporate world. So I traced my new career with a new outlook. I am no longer subject to my emotions, one thing that is so hard to contend with, but I've learned, I really learned a lot.
So on with the new career, a sales trainer. After a year I finally got promoted to another level within the organization. I never really applied for the promotion. It was more like being singled out and voted by my peers as someone fitting for such a role. There were reasons that pushed me back from taking a position higher than what was what I originally came here in Cebu for. When I signed the new contract for my promotion, I never really thought highly of myself. I was not thinking much of getting a higher pay than the really high pay I am getting prior to the move up. I never thought of the new POWER I had along with the new position. What was in my mind is the fact that my scope of subordinates expanded drastically, one I was scared of being not able to manage wisely. the question that reverberated through my thoughts was not all about money or power, but the question of being a good leader, a doubt and fear that has become a shadow to me. Will I be able to affect a positive change? One that will bring a positive effect to the people below me, more importantly to my superiors, the ones who believe that I have what it takes.
But way back, further into the history of my stay here. I finally met the person I have been in constant contact with for almost 3 or 4 years. The person I am loving dearly now. Who would have thought that after a failed relationship, one that was even prior to that previous affair I described above, I would still be able to find the person that will fit in perfectly to the void I have been carrying around. A perfect fit to my imperfections, to the kind of person I am, someone that loves fiercely.
Everything in our perspective matched accordingly. We both don't like smoking, loud music in bars and sipping on a vodka sprite is no longer a sight or feeling to behold. There is nothing worth doing than getting an 8 hours of sleep, watching nice movies on our flat screen, and cooking gourmet and Filipino dishes out of our little kitchen, malls, gadgets--it is all about us, in a life dominated by solitude that only a handful of few are able to navigate successfully. Yes, it is almost perfect.
to be continued...
Here in Cebu still. Figuring out how to fit everything I want to do for work, all of this cramped into an 8 hour shift, I am pressed down, but not complaining. Work can drive me nuts but I have to admit that it does sometimes provide an avenue so I can keep myself sane. I would have to admit that it feels relieving that every nerve in my brain is working, hard, so I can come up with a sound decision. And more terribly so, management is requiring me to do just that every time.
Fulfilling, that's just a term. In some ways I feel just that, especially when you get something good done and people starts to give you a pat in the back. But deep within, I am running hard so I can get myself lost in the midst of the praises. Knowing pretty well that the one, whose attention I am dying to get, is out there trying to figure out how to not let me know that I am no longer the subject of that affection. Sometimes, the intention behind why lies are told justifies the lie itself. I will try to drown myself in that lie as I seek vindication from the pain, from that sad feeling of being in the losing end. Worst of it all, I cant stop myself from not yielding.
I should quit blogging! That's what I feel out of being not able to update my posts. My schedule for next week will now change and I will soon be back doing grave yard shifts. I haven't pondered much on what will happen. The stress has not died down yet and it feels so degrading that I have to allow the company to squeeze me dry for every single penny they are paying me. O well, its the thing we go through to earn money, who says life can be easier? Life must be very happy looking down at me as it pours out tons and tons of lemon. excess lemonade! I wish there is a way where I can hurl all these lemons back at life! hah! lol!
I should stop forming a bad habit out of being with bad company. I should start thinking about what I will do to maximize most of my time here in cebu. I still have a mom to support so it is getting a bit challenging as the day goes by. I have to reshuffle my interests and priorities. Being single again is a lot easier knowing that I wouldnt have to mind sharing my time with someone. Though sometimes I get to miss those warm loving arms that engulfs me into a heaven like comfort. Well, I bet I am not remembered well for I know the person is just doing fine. I am happy with it, the things that is happenine in his life right now surely will make him a better person considering that he is up to new challenges and meeting new friends. :)
It really gets boring during the weekends. Right now, I am having the longest vacation so far for this year and it just sucks. I feel so lonely and lifeless. I wish there is another way to making my life better. Here is hoping for a more relax week.
It has been a full week of cramming, sleeplessness, anxiety, and loneliness, bordering the reality of not being noticed with the one you like and missing a not so distant past.
I just remembered It's been a year, I recollected those pieces. Checked my heart, noticed that the wound has healed. The scars are still there but it is beating perfectly, as if nothing happened. Recently I almost damaged it again, but all those aching moments I spent turned out to be a good way of strengthening me. 3 weeks ago I decided to end a relationship, the relationship that gave me the will to move out of Cagayan de Oro and back to Cebu just to be with my partner. Half smiling, I realized, not all those unbelieveable scenes that I think can only happen in overly, exagerated Telenovelas can also happen in real life, and the worst is that it happened in mine.
It is a new career in a city I once called my second Home. The hustle and bustle of a metropolitan lifestyle. Different people, different walks of life. All forming an intricate pattern too big for me to get along. Everything is difficult if you live alone. I feel so small and worthless. I landed a job that is asking too much in exchange of a big pay. I feel so inadequate and less equiped. It made me ask, what have I been doing for the last 4 years to improve myself? Sad, there used to be someone who saw the very best in me and in my worst that person carried me without even asking or grumbling. Time has changed everything, a lot.
It was a fine day, a couple of minutes more and then work will soon take over the crevices of my thoughts. Before I get lost in that limbo, I held on to myself as I boarded the elevator, without missing a beat, I pressed the number 6 button. I recalled the flight of stairs I used to go through and the warm smiles of the people I considered my second family. How are they doing now? I mused as I waited for the lift to reach the 6th floor. And, as the door opened, I reliquished my thoughts back to the reality; it's another day in the office.
Where am I really heading? That is a question I cant answer, I missed my mom so much and I am taking time in adjusting to eveything. Plus, falling in love in a big city like cebu is just different from Cagayan de Oro. People here can be so fiercely blunt and sometimes completely indifferent, even the person I am beginning to like. Some people doesnt have the balls to tell you the truth that they dont like you, and some just wants you to read between the lines.