I should quit blogging! That's what I feel out of being not able to update my posts. My schedule for next week will now change and I will soon be back doing grave yard shifts. I haven't pondered much on what will happen. The stress has not died down yet and it feels so degrading that I have to allow the company to squeeze me dry for every single penny they are paying me. O well, its the thing we go through to earn money, who says life can be easier? Life must be very happy looking down at me as it pours out tons and tons of lemon. excess lemonade! I wish there is a way where I can hurl all these lemons back at life! hah! lol!

I should stop forming a bad habit out of being with bad company. I should start thinking about what I will do to maximize most of my time here in cebu. I still have a mom to support so it is getting a bit challenging as the day goes by. I have to reshuffle my interests and priorities. Being single again is a lot easier knowing that I wouldnt have to mind sharing my time with someone. Though sometimes I get to miss those warm loving arms that engulfs me into a heaven like comfort. Well, I bet I am not remembered well for I know the person is just doing fine. I am happy with it, the things that is happenine in his life right now surely will make him a better person considering that he is up to new challenges and meeting new friends. :)

It really gets boring during the weekends. Right now, I am having the longest vacation so far for this year and it just sucks. I feel so lonely and lifeless. I wish there is another way to making my life better. Here is hoping for a more relax week.

It has been a full week of cramming, sleeplessness, anxiety, and loneliness, bordering the reality of not being noticed with the one you like and missing a not so distant past.

I just remembered It's been a year, I recollected those pieces. Checked my heart, noticed that the wound has healed. The scars are still there but it is beating perfectly, as if nothing happened. Recently I almost damaged it again, but all those aching moments I spent turned out to be a good way of strengthening me. 3 weeks ago I decided to end a relationship, the relationship that gave me the will to move out of Cagayan de Oro and back to Cebu just to be with my partner. Half smiling, I realized, not all those unbelieveable scenes that I think can only happen in overly, exagerated Telenovelas can also happen in real life, and the worst is that it happened in mine.

It is a new career in a city I once called my second Home. The hustle and bustle of a metropolitan lifestyle. Different people, different walks of life. All forming an intricate pattern too big for me to get along. Everything is difficult if you live alone. I feel so small and worthless. I landed a job that is asking too much in exchange of a big pay. I feel so inadequate and less equiped. It made me ask, what have I been doing for the last 4 years to improve myself? Sad, there used to be someone who saw the very best in me and in my worst that person carried me without even asking or grumbling. Time has changed everything, a lot.

It was a fine day, a couple of minutes more and then work will soon take over the crevices of my thoughts. Before I get lost in that limbo, I held on to myself as I boarded the elevator, without missing a beat, I pressed the number 6 button. I recalled the flight of stairs I used to go through and the warm smiles of the people I considered my second family. How are they doing now? I mused as I waited for the lift to reach the 6th floor. And, as the door opened, I reliquished my thoughts back to the reality; it's another day in the office.

Where am I really heading? That is a question I cant answer, I missed my mom so much and I am taking time in adjusting to eveything. Plus, falling in love in a big city like cebu is just different from Cagayan de Oro. People here can be so fiercely blunt and sometimes completely indifferent, even the person I am beginning to like. Some people doesnt have the balls to tell you the truth that they dont like you, and some just wants you to read between the lines.

I created this video for fun and was shown during our 3rd year Anniversary Celebration.

I miss you like crazy, originally done by Miss Natalie Cole and now being covered by Erik Santos. I have always liked this song much more now that it has a guy's voice over it... sigh... :)

Before people began drinking booze and singing this song in Karaoke pubs, there was once a man who sang this song beautifully. Here is the original voice behind the popular song, One in a Million (You)... :P

There is something embedded in this song. The melody is so much in tune with what the lyrics is saying. The first time I heard this was way way way back before in college, at the time when the sitcom Ally Mcbeal was airing. I cant help but get teary eyed everytime... :)

First off, I don't want to start without even greeting everyone a Happy New Year. I am skipping my new year's resolution because I don't want to be excessive in being a control freak. I have already concurred to the fact that I cant control everything so I am just leaving it all up to pure instinct at this point.

I had a great holiday which I feel would be my last here in CDO if my plans would pursue this year. There has been a lot of movements of people around me lately, in the office, my friends, relatives and even my siblings. All these made me reconsider what I have been doing for the last 4 years here in CDO. Would this be enough for me to say that its about time to close the chapters of my life here and proceed to writing a new one somewhere? I am not worried at all of whats going to become, I am far more concern of making most of my time while I am considerably young. So the question of which I have not entertained for at least 2 years resurfaced again, "is it time for me to move?".

I have done the best I could in everything so far. Though I have seen so many down falls, still I was able to cope up and go on. Career wise I think there is much to explore, so much to consider. There are still other things which i have not taken into another level and as being a trainer that's how i feel. I have cast my gaze over the turfs of Cebu. My last visit there rekindled a lot of lost feelings, but somehow all the changes that happened in the city in the years of my absence made me a little alienated. "How about Manila?" I mused but I am too old to do major adjustments. I have lost the sense of adventure and that alone made me discount that thought.

A bigger city, a wider scope for opportunities. That's all I have in mind, but i can never discount the fact that a little bit earlier I thought of moving back in Cebu not because of these career chow chows. It was because i wanted to be with someone. I am in a relationship as of the moment and well it's just been 3 months. I have always said a lot of things such as not going back to one, but i know that's only when I get burned, when i hurt. So here i am again, armed with lessons of my past relationship I ventured into another. "This time", I thought, "would be different". It's nice to feel the rush of emotions when you think of the person, I'd better give my all than regret it in the end.

Because of this, I've already spoken to my mom about my plans. There's a lot of risks I am going to take but all these means nothing as long as I am pursuing it for happiness, for the one i love. And, should I fail in this relationship I would say that at least I loved and was loved in return to some extent. How about the pain? Well I should not forget that it's always been part and parcel of this relationship. I just want to love without any restrictions, without any conditions if I may say. I want to learn to become a better person, I think that's what a relationship should bring out of you and not your bad side. Above all I know things will be okay, as long as my partner loves me in the same way as i do, then things will be alright.

Still speaking of relationships, whatever got into me? Since before i could never imagine having a romantic relationship from a distance. But what about this time? Well, this is my second time so far when it comes to running a long distance affair. All the effort I exert is just so taxing. The good side about having a Long distance relationship is that you almost own all of your time. Yet, you would still have to give more in terms of everything. Because of the distance, relationships like this should have to be founded on trust. trust is the main key by far and both parties must be trustworthy.

Putting trust in the picture, I do have issues regarding that. I am not talking about third parties, no not that, at least I am too in love to entertain one. My issue really has something to do with trust but it's on another level and not about infidelity. The thing is, I have been bothered with this weird feeling that something is not right between me and my partner. I feel like I am not getting all the attention I need and that just ticks me off a bit. I had been trying to rule it all out to my paranoia because I act like a deranged lover sometimes (lol). But still that little voice called intuition makes you feel uncomfortable whenever it starts to chatter. My thinking is that my partner is not just so into me or at least that's how I feel. We've talked about this and I was assured that the feeling is still there and as a matter of fact my partner added that it has even intensified. I would like to mention also the help that all my friends have given in terms of giving me a sound advice that could knock me off my insanity, especially to Peter Paul who thinks that that "something's wrong" feeling I got is just a manifestation of my paranoia. That's all he said after I allowed him to listen to a conversation I had with my partner over the phone. Well I think all this is because i am not used to being that far away from my partner. I just need to loosen up a bit, anyway the big day to crack this big decision up is still about to come and I know that a lot of things can still happen somewhere in between. So until then I remain... happy New Year to everyone!