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When you have life viewed through a proper perspective, you'll see that even the bad things that happened in it were meant so you'll become the person you are today. One friend of mine mentioned that he never had regrets, and for me it's sort of not true at all. We all have regrets big and small. Regrets happen because we set expectations that are unmet later on in our life.
How do I see regrets? I see a regret as an opportunity to better myself the next time the same situation happens. Embracing my regrets gives me the understanding that I should have done the opposite of the action I did that resulted for me to have that regretful feeling. Without regretting, I commit the same mistake over and over with no learning or growth.
The picture above was taken a couple of months ago. At that time, I was letting go of a person who have formed strings of memories with me, both good and bad. I have learned something from letting him go. I learned that I still can love fully, and that I can fight for a relationship worth keeping. There are a lot of regrets that came along with this past relationship. I am eager that should chance present the opportunity again for me to love, I vow to be a better version of my self. A better person, a better lover.
To recall fully, I let him go January this year, but he left on December 22, 2011, days before Christmas. I learned that CLOSURE really does mean a lot in a relationship. CLOSURE enables you to understand that something has just ended. It gives you the signal to move forward at a time when all you have is yourself. Moving forward with an empty hand and a broken heart. Closure is the finishing touch of what used to be an empty canvas, now full of memories you have created together. Letting go is an ordeal, but it taught me one thing; when we get into a relationship we have to have the sense of wholeness so that by the time we leave we will never feel half-filled or half empty. When he left, I was counting the days that I will have sleepless nights, rounds of crying and a bout of wrestling with my torn ego. It gave me a rough estimate that it might total to 6 months or even more, just so I can completely heal from the break-up. But time has its ways of letting you move forward. I was actively helping myself in the process, and surprisingly it only took me 4 months to finally move on. I think the pain is still here, only that I got used to it. I started to embrace my solitude, the empty bedside and the mornings where I will have no one but myself.
Moving-on really is a great moment where you can finally listen to yourself. I asked myself questions. What if he will one day beg to return? When he left, he had a lot going on in his mind. Though he has never been fully open to me, I understand that he was in a crossroads of his life. At 29 years old, he has yet to prove a lot, get a stable job and be able to help his family. Then at the back of my mind I wondered if he became unhappy and and felt that he got boxed-in in the last 1.5 years of being with me. I then started to wonder, maybe I was his dead-end.
When I decided to let him go, I would have to contend with not seeing his SMS on my phone. I would have to contend with the fact that I will no longer receive any call from him. I will no longer hear him say I love you, how are you, I miss you, I want to be with you. I am going to be alone moving forward. I was holding the pieces of my heart in the palm of my hand. I was wondering if I can ever mend them back. Or, will I be able to stitch them up with the help of someone.
I never saw dating as an option, what I really wanted was for someone to come and understand me and see me as vulnerable without taking advantage of me. I wanted for friends to come to my rescue. A lot came, some were just there because they never had a choice and some where there because they felt the utmost pity. Nevertheless their concerns held me sane at all times. I shed buckets of tears until the day I got used to the silence of the room once filled with the sound of the laughter we shared. It is deafening, scary, and the sheets felt cold and unfamiliar.
Those were all the feelings I had in the memory of the pain I once carried around. The pain that taught me lessons in life. After 4 months, he has once again made his presence felt, constantly texting me, sending my friends messages of how much he misses me. But, when I asked myself; do I want him back, do I want to be with him again, do I want to live the same story I tried hard to finish? It shocked me that I cant answer back, I love him still and that hasn't change, but I no longer have the same ideology about love and sacrifice, well at least not with him or for him. I can no longer run the same lap with him, I have ended the journey and I have started something anew.
Truly, maturity doesn't come with age, it comes from experience. A love past could be a love that is gone. :)
3 weeks ago
